Red flags to catch and dump lemons :)

Ladies, I once promised you that I will stop writing relationship topics. Please excuse my inconsistency for breaking this promise since I find it more important to let you know some of the red flags in a guy’s actions which hopefully will help you decide the worthiness of that guy you're dating in that 3 months “probation” period.

These are the things that I found from observations and discussions with my girlfriends who have had bad experiences in their past relationships. I don’t want to be too harsh or rude, but in case you find one these symptoms in a guy’s actions, it is worth considering to DUMP him.

1. Watch out for guys who tell you stories that are intended to make you empathize with them. This can be bad childhood stories (bad relationships with daddy, or mommy, or siblings), or any defects in their bodies (illness, sexual disfunctionalities). The reason for telling you such stories is to make you feel special and “willingly obliged” to understand them and to empathize since they are sharing you their most precious stories. And they will never forget to mention to you “I’ve never told this to anybody, but I cannot keep it as a secret from you”. Imagine that a guy, who is seemingly very much into you, tells you their utmost important story at the very early stage of your relationship. You will feel precious, trusted and appreciated because they believe in you so much to tell you these things early enough in the relationship. What you don’t know is that, despite the disclaimer of “I’ve never told this to anybody”, there are probably tons of other girls who have heard the same stories. And these girls did empathize. Care to compete who empathizes more, ladies? I don’t. DUMP him.

2. Find out his priorities. I once had a relationship with a guy who rarely told me what was in his mind. One fine Saturday evening, the evening that should be spent with him as my boyfriend at the time, I found out from him that he went to another girl’s place to “help” her prepare her comprehensive exam. As the girlfriend, I felt betrayed because he preferred to go to another girl’s place than to see me on a Saturday evening. I was the girlfriend and that girl was a nobody. But when I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable with that, he told me that I was being paranoid and overly jealous. This is the oldest trick in the book, and has been confirmed by most of my guy friends. Guys would try to flip your words upside down, and would make you feel guilty for something that they did wrong. It’s a notion of saving their own as#es, and making you look like the bad guy. A guy who wouldn’t put you in a high priority and who would not consider your feelings after doing an unacceptable behavior, should go to the trash bin. DELETE.

3. This is another red flag which you really-really have to watch out. Many of my girlfriends have confirmed this as a bad signal. If a guy feels uncomfortable to introduce you to his friends, or ex girlfriend, or relatives as his new “significant” other; or if he feels the necessity to "hide" you from the world... then ladies, take a few steps back… turn around... and RUN as fast as you can! There’s no point in entertaining a guy’s dirty trick of trying to be discreet about your presence. He should be happy to be with you, and when he’s not showing that to you, RUN AWAY.

4. If a guy proposes to you or asks you to marry him only after three weeks of knowing you, you should realize that he’s probably going on the fast lane to see the insides of your skirt. The same goes if a guy you are dating calls your parents “Mama and Papa” after only knowing you for a month. (Yes, it’s time to laugh people…). No matter how connected you feel towards him, no matter how much truth he puts in his eyes, you should never ever say yes to his proposal and then AVOID him completely. Remember, you have got nothing to lose. If that guy is sincere, he will be the one who is afraid of losing you and will try very hard to prove you he’s worth it. If he’s not sincere, he should be ashamed of himself for bringing up the M word just to get under your skirt. (I have also noticed that my happily married girlfriends are the ones who put down their feet, and show they have got nothing to lose. These biatches have got NO fear).

5. With regards to character, you should watch out for guys who try very hard to please everybody. This is usually the case when the guy is insecure. In general, these guys try so hard for people to like him, for people to call him nice. They can go overboard by making you feel special, buying you lunches or dinners for no reason at all (you’re not yet his close friend, not yet his girlfriend). While it is not necessary to be overly cautious when you find guys like these, it is important to differentiate those who are genuinely nice and those who are just trying too hard to please people. With the latter type, once you become his girlfriend, you will be the last person on earth he is trying to please, as he will be expecting you to “understand” him for everything he does. Haha! Yeah, right.

Caution after reading: these red flags are only suitable for level headed, reasonable girls who can think clearly. Author is not responsible for any results of the above recommendations.
Author acknowledges that these red flag behaviors can also appear in women. However, in light of the Author’s straight sexual preference, from her observations she found these red flag behaviors mostly in men.

The "elegant" payback

So you met a jerk, a lying cheating bastard, a person who speaks one thing but does another. So it happened that he broke your heart. You want to let go, but you’re very-very-very angry. You are not at peace until you get back to him. But you can’t yell and scream at him for his wrong doings. That won’t have any effects on him.

One thing you can do is to suck it up, move on and learn from it… but what can you learn?

My friend Suzie told me, that if there’s one thing she could learn from her break up, is that she should have learned and become a master in Karate. Just by the knowledge of her mastery in Karate, that guy would think ten times before setting up a date with another girl, or before dialing another girl’s number to chat her up until late at night. He would not say nasty things to her because he knew she could break his bones quite easily and quickly if he pissed her off. The knowing that you have the power over somebody else, and the possibility to use it if he pissed you off, is great.

As for me, I would love to learn acupressure. I used to watch those Kung Fu movies when I was a kid, and the only skill I really admire from watching those movies is not the Kung Fu itself, but the acupressure. The ability to paralyze someone just by tapping his neck… hmmm…

Imagine that I could tap the neck of a guy who deliberately lied to me and broke my heart. I could paralyze his hands and feet, but I would not numb him. He could still feel, but he couldn’t move. Then I could be tickling him up and down up and down. He could feel the tickle but he couldn’t move, or run away, or laugh. I could tickle him until it was just enough before he fainted. And then I could revive him and start the whole process again.

(Note that I have been using the word: I could, instead of I would. It doesn’t matter whether I will or will not do it, just knowing that I can, gives me the power)

You think that’s not fair play? Well, emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. That is for lying to me. For telling me he loved me so much yet marrying another woman. For making me the “in between” girl until he found someone better. For telling me I was great but treating me like trash. For letting my hopes high and bombing them down into pieces. For breaking my confidence by saying rude and nasty things to me. For being a jerk.

The great thing about acupressure is that, you don’t leave any marks. If you karate the jerk, he could go to the police and made you go to jail. But if you apply acupressure… he would not have any prove to make you go to jail. That is just the same as me not having any prove that he broke my heart to make him go to jail for it.

Hmmm…

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Inspired by Mel Gibson's movie, the payback. Hubba, hubba, hubba!

To my dear friend DS. I started a different kind of "on relationships" topic ;-)

Too bad to be true?????

As a single gal, I have had my share of friends and family introducing me to men as their kind efforts to help me find the right guy. Although I honor their intention, I must say, most of the "set-up dates" that my family or friends have helped me with, didn't go too well.

There's this time when my mom tried to introduce me to a relative. My mom knew his mom and my aunt knew his aunt and so the talk about having a single daughter who's looking for a partner flew in the air. - "Why don't we introduce our kids to each other!?!?!??" -

My mom, desperate to help me find a husband, went along with the plan. She could only hope that it will go well, and I will somehow find the love of my life and it will be a quick fix to all her problems (well, actually, the only problem for her is for me to find a husband :D).

Yeah right. It sounds just too good to be true.

Of course, in light of wanting to be a good daughter, I went along with the plan. As a pisces, I'm a believer of bad hunches. When I have a bad hunch about something, I know that it would go wrong. If I wanted to avoid my bad hunch from happening, I would say it outloud to someone. And at that day, I had a bad hunch that this introduction wouldn't go too well (if not a disaster). So, to safe my face from embarassment and to avoid being stuck with a guy that I don't like, I invited my cool best friend to come along. She agreed.

The day came for me to meet my mom's candidate. Him and me agreed to have lunch at the cafetaria in my office. I thought, a quick lunch won't kill me, and if it turns out to be alright, I could make another appointment some other time. When my best friend arrived in my office, we went downstairs to the meeting point. I had his cell number, but before I called him, I quickly scrolled my eyes around the area to see which one could be my mom's candidate. I saw no one interesting, and one who particularly wasn't my taste... (please excuse my rudeness in describing God's creation, but...) this guy looked similar to the screw-eating-monster-called-JekJon in Warkop's movie "Manusia 6juta dolar".

My best friend, whom I think could read my mind, indeed did read my mind. She abruptly made a comment "Sar, what if that's the guy??" and I knew she meant that particular "JekJon" guy. And being the jinx that I always am, It was indeed THAT "JekJon" guy who was my mom's candidate. As you may have predicted, the date didn't go well and there was no "too good to be true".

The Indonesian society that we are living in, is somewhat complex for a single Indonesian gal with so many societal restrictions in finding a boyfriend. First comes the religion, then the ethnic group, then the age, then her own personal criteria. Thus, justifying the need for some friendly help from those people from the married bunch. The matchmaking game, although some could succeed, some could go absolutely wrong. And when I'm being skeptical about it all... some of my friends or relatives told me: "Lo kebanyakan maunya sih... terlalu pilih2... makanya gak dapet2..."... Waaaaaaah.... a very judgmental thing to say... But, am I really that picky??? For all I know, I was actually the "cheapest" among those of my friends who have gotten married!! hahahaha!!. I had started dating long before they started dating and I did not really choose the guys that I dated in the past. (which you all must have guessed how they ended up... otherwise I would have been happily married by now). My married friends and family are so lucky to be able to find the right person although they were quite picky before they got married. So, to blame me for being too picky, they could stop and think for themselves first. And just because I'm getting older, it doesn't mean I have to drop all my criteria... (well, maybe some... hehehehe)

I have a friend who is a serial-matchmade-dater, and she's never got tired with it. Unlike me who's a bit skeptical, she's the eternal optimist. She thinks that of all those set-up dates, one day she will find her "too good to be true". So, she agrees to her friends helping her find the right guy by introducing her to so many guys. One time, she couldn't even remember the name of the guy she went on a date with. She took him to my house to drop off something, but she didn't introduce him to me. When I couldn't hear him pronounce his name, I asked my friend through SMS whose his name was. She replied: "I honestly don't know, I just met him this afternoon, and I was kinda hoping to catch his name when he introduced himself to you hahahahaha"

.... what the... ?!?!??

So, for those single people out there who are looking for partners and has a little bit of help from friends and relatives, a few things we must note in this whole matchmaking game to help us be in touch with some reality....
1. When you think you have met the right person, always think that there are two sides of the story. He/She might not feel the same way about you.
2. Don't count on a single "set-up date" as the potential solution to all your partner-less problems..., like my friend the eternal optimist..., arrange as many set-up dates as you possibly can. (I know my mom is doing so for me, as we speak...)
3. When you can't be bothered to go for blind dates, then you don't have to go. Your happiness is all that matters. (And I have told this so many times to my mom...)
4. When the "too good to be true" does happen, then it is meant to be.

For now, keep dreaming... and keep your chin up...it might not all be too bad to be true.

The Broccoli & Lettuce Guy, The Sushi Guy, The Hamburger Guy

Remember those days when we were kids and our parents told us to eat things that we didn’t like because they were good for us? I still remember how often my parents told me to eat my veggies, or the onions, or the garlic in my food, because they were good for my health. My father also used to shove me ‘cod liver’s oil’ everyday because he said it was good for my health. It was extremely yucky but I took it anyway because I had to. As much as I hated those things back then, I figured out that I managed to learn to like them. I don’t know if you share my experience, but through this food experience my parents had taught me that, sometimes in life, I could learn to like something that I don’t like if I would just try.

Funny enough, small as they may seem, I am once again exposed to this lesson in life. You may have noticed that we as humans are more inclined to the things that are bad for us. We still eat too much chocolate, smoke too many cigarettes and eat too much junk food. The fact that they’re unhealthy made us want them even more. After all, we only live once. But this is besides my point.

Let’s just take my example. All these years, I have never been attracted to the sweet, quiet, boring, dorky type of guys whom I call ‘the broccoli and lettuce guys’. I was however more inclined to the extrovert, passionate, careless, wacky guys who were charming and on top of the world. I call these guys ‘the hamburger guys’ because they were extremely tempting but they're bad for my 'health'. Although hamburgers are extremely tasty, if you have too much of them you’ll end up being fat and ill.

This brings me to the questions that always linger in my mind: Is it true that perhaps the broccoli and lettuce guys are better for me? What if I learn to love them just like how I learned to love my onions and garlic; would I be happier? Is it true that there are only two types of guys? One that is boring but won’t break your heart and one that is fun but will most likely tear you apart? Are there guys in between? Should we settle for less because of the risk of getting hurt?

Now, don’t say that I didn’t try. Just as I tried my onions, garlic and cod liver’s oil, I tried dating the broccoli and lettuce types of guys. However, I couldn’t take it for too long. I am the type of person who wouldn’t want to live in boredom just because I was afraid of getting hurt. I wouldn’t choose the broccoli and lettuce guys because I simply wouldn’t be happy with them. Although being broken hearted is very painful, I’d rather take the risk than being bored. Perhaps because of my desire to avoid boredom, I overlooked the fact that I always fell for the hamburger types who in the end turned my life to a disaster. I guess, I was looking for what I want at the wrong places. If I may quote Sarah Jessica Parker from Sex and the City: ‘I’m looking for love, ridiculous-consuming-can’t-live-without-each-other love’, which I misinterpreted by falling for the hamburger guys. I did not realize the fact that maybe those extrovert, funny, passionate guys were not into the ‘consuming-can’t-live-without-each-other love’. It was my mistake for associating what I want with the wrong type of guys.

Certainly, I could not rest with this conclusion. I have always believed that there are guys who fall in the middle; who are fun, passionate and charming that won’t break your heart. I call them ‘the sushi guys’. They are healthy and adventurous enough, and with the right amount of wasabi you’ll get the best food there is. The problem is there aren’t that many guys who fall under this type. It’s either they are taken, or the competition is so stiff that girls would fight over their lives for this type of guys.

In the end, I am left with the broccoli and lettuce guys. Since they are so boring and have got nothing to do, they probably would go for the ridiculously consuming love. I guess in life, we can’t have everything we want. Still in my heart I am hoping to find my sushi guy. But if life didn’t bring me sushi, I probably might have to settle for the broccoli and lettuce. And learn to love them just like what I did when I was a kid.